5 Tips For Women Dating Again For The First Time In Years

Starting over in your personal life can feel overwhelming. It can seem even more daunting if you’ve been out of the dating world for a while. You feel out of your element and consumed with questions and uncertainties. Is dating what you remember it to be? Will you find what you’re looking for? Are you ready to put yourself out there again?

With 47% of single Americans believing dating is harder than 10 years ago, it makes sense to feel nervous. And, let’s face it, as fun as dating can be, it’s scary to open yourself up knowing you could get hurt again. But the reward is worth the risk, especially if you do the inner work before jumping back in.  We’ve put together the following advice to help you jump back into dating with confidence:

Every relationship, no matter how or why it ends, leaves a mark. When combined with triggers and past pain, you have the perfect mix for problems in future relationships. That’s why Jaime Bronstein, a relationship coach and host of “Love Talk Live” on LA Talk Radio, recommends doing the work to heal from heartbreak before dating again.

Your pain may be related to personal relationships or other sources, but no matter where it comes from, it affects your interactions with and perceptions of others. You may avoid certain conversations, find it more difficult to establish emotional or physical connections, feel more defensive, or be more sensitive to certain behaviors. By reflecting and developing your self-awareness, you can adjust your thinking and behaviors to move forward with positivity.

The best way to have a great experience with anything is to know what you want to get out of it. Dating coach Martha Bodyfelt calls this defining your “why.” So ask yourself: why do you want to date again? Are you looking for something fun and casual? Do you want to find a long-term partner? Is it marriage and a family that motivates you? Whatever the reason, make sure it’s coming from your heart and not from outside influences. Dating requires time and effort; invest for the reasons that matter to you.

To get the most out of your dating experience, ground yourself in the present. According to Jaime Bronstein, “Living in the past or the future is simply a waste of time.” What does that mean in practice? It means being intentional with how you show up. Don’t dwell on the past by comparing your date to previous partners. Stop yourself from thinking ahead to future dates or imagining the rest of your life. When you do that, you miss the chance to get to know the person in front of you. And they miss the chance to know you.

Once you know your “why” it’s important to think about your relationship non-negotiables: actions and behaviors that don’t work for you. In her book, Never Waste Time On The Wrong Man Again, dating coach Michelle Jacoby discusses how boundaries help identify and address red flags. This makes it easier to decide whether you should continue seeing someone once you start dating. 

Jacoby recommends reflecting on past relationships and identifying negative behaviors you don’t want to experience again. Create a “protective contract” that lists these behaviors, signing and dating it as a promise to yourself. By having a personal contract, you’ll identify your deal breakers more quickly when dating. When it happens, be clear and firm in communicating to your date that it’s unacceptable right away. If they can’t respect your boundaries, you shouldn’t keep investing in them.

No matter your mindset, whether you’re optimistic or a bit more skeptical, make sure your expectations are grounded in reality not rom-coms. Dating is fun and exhilarating, but it can also be frustrating and discouraging at times. It’s more than likely you’ll come across a few bad apples, but don’t let that spoil things for you. Remember your protective contract and use it; that’s what it’s for. Keep your “why” in mind when you hit the bumps in the road and you’ll have a much more enjoyable experience.