How To Talk To Your Partner About Finances

Money is one of the leading stressors in relationships. In fact, 45% of partners argue about money at least occasionally and 25% of couples name money as the greatest challenge in their partnership. One of the main reasons why this is so stressful is because people don’t know how to talk about money and fear financial conversations. Thirty-two percent of Americans feel uncomfortable discussing finances with their partner which makes sense because 44% of talks end up in disagreements. 

Whether you’re just moving in together, splitting bills, or planning for the long haul, being able to discuss finances with your partner is important. Avoiding the conversation altogether is not the solution, learning to have calm, collected, and productive conversations is. This article will provide actionable steps to promote healthy money conversations in couples. 

Arguably, the most important step, you’ll want to remove the money equals conflict association in your mind to promote healthy and constructive conversations. Understandably, money can be a source of tension because all of it represents. It’s more than the physical paper or numbers on a screen, it’s your quality of life, your plans, your dreams. 

“Money is a tool,” Elana Feinsmith, Certified Financial Planner and financial therapist, told BankRate. “You can use a hammer to smash a window or a glass door, or you can use a hammer to build something really nice.”

“Don’t start out with how much you earn,” because that’s not the point, according to finance expert Ramit Sethi. “The point is getting on the same page as your partner about the life you want to build, and how you’re going to do it.”

Seeing money as a tool and a unifier in your shared life with your partner can help you get from “Ugh, I can’t talk to you about this” to “We’re on the same team.” 

Money is something that is learnt, which is why you’ll want to connect to your partner’s money history and understand where they are coming from to better align your joint strategy. 

“We all have these childhood experiences or flashpoints in our lives that create these core beliefs related to money,” Dr. Cohen Taylor, a licensed family therapist, told The LA Times. The way you were raised impacts how you think of money today. 

“Money is tied up with our deepest emotional needs: for power, security, independence, control, and self-worth,” Olivia Mellan, a pioneering psychotherapist in money psychology, told US News And World Report. “But since so many of us are unaware of that emotional load, we fight about it without understanding what the battles are about.” 

So next time you feel anger rise, remember to ask yourself and your partner where your reactions to money are coming from because it’s always deeper than we think. 

Once you’ve understood your partner’s financial history, it’s important to set clear expectations. You can establish some ground rules like consulting each other before big purchases or agreeing on a set amount to put aside each month. Another great tool is scheduling your money talks so you can avoid having finances take over valuable moments and make sure you are present and collected when you do talk about it. 

“Every Friday morning, we meet for coffee to discuss financial things,” according to Nicole Burdick, founder of Money Maven Financial. “The check-ins aren’t daunting anymore, because they happen often enough that things don’t build up.” 

Just like anything in a relationship, it’s important to give each other grace and meet one another halfway. Of course, you may have some non-negotiables and you can discuss those when setting clear parameters, but in order to develop a healthy relationship to your couple’s finances, you’ll want to keep an open mind. 

“Getting on the same page as your partner when it comes to finances usually requires a lot of communication and sometimes a little compromise,” said Kimberly Palmer, personal finance expert at NerdWallet.

Once you get under what money means to each of you and focus on looking in the same direction towards shared goals, your money conversations will be easier. Yes, you might still experience a little conflict here and there, you’re in a relationship after all, but you can always bring yourself back to your mutual plan.