How Searching For Relationship Red Flags Is Hurting Your Connection

Relationships and red flags don’t have to go hand in hand. Red flags are negative signs or potential problems that may indicate that someone is toxic or not a good fit for you. Examples of red flags are someone who has a bad temper, gaslighting, isolation, abuse, love bombing, and many more. This term has been used by Millennials and Gen Z for quite some time.

Determining if someone is compatible for you takes time, because the honeymoon phase inevitably has to do its thing. However, if you’re still questioning your person, and looking for a red flag to see what that person is all about, Her Agenda has gathered some tools to help you make the best decision that makes sense for you.

“Looking for red flags in a relationship can be helpful,” said Patricia Bathurst, LMFT (Licensed marriage and family therapist) at The Oasis Luxury Residential Rehab. “It can help you spot things that may be harmful. However, focusing too much on finding red flags can be harmful. You may misinterpret normal things as being a red flag when, in reality, they are not.”

Patricia said to navigate this, try to focus on balance. Look for red flags. Be curious. However, don’t interpret every little thing as a red flag. Talk openly with your partner, as well.

“Fear often drives the initial search for red flags,” said Kamini Wood, Board Certified Life and Wellness Coach, Specialty Certification in Narcissistic Recovery. “It can be fear of repeating past unhealthy patterns, fear of being hurt, or fear stemming from uncertainty, about the other person’s intentions or where the relationship might be headed.”

Don’t allow the past to affect your present. Fear can burn bridges quicker than fire. If you want a real connection to get stronger you have to go to your partner and address the problem.

“Communicating is the most powerful tool for not assuming things,” said Sofie Roos,l icensed sexologist and relationship therapist. “If spotting something that triggers you, ask your partner why they did as they did and what they meant by doing so, as well as tell them how it made you feel.”

“That way, many times you will understand that they didn’t have any bad intentions with their actions, just that they are different from you, and see things from another perspective,” Sofie said.

Communicating directly will always be the best policy when it comes to understanding your partner and resolving issues. If you feel like something is a red flag, addressing it with your partner is better than snooping and involving third parties.

Emma Hathorn, Dating and Relationship Expert at Seeking.com has provided some helpful tools that can be used to avoid getting caught up in the cycle of constantly looking for red flags. Here are questions you can ask yourself:

• What are your green flags? Knowing what you look for in a partner rather than what you’re not looking for can help shift your mindset to something more positive. Emotional availability, authenticity, and accountability are signs that someone can meet your expectations.
• What is your nervous system telling you? When you’re around this person, how do you feel? If you feel calm and grounded rather than constantly anxious, this could be a sign that you’re with the right person.
• What am I reacting to? If something feels off, take a moment to reflect. It can be easy to react in the moment; however, what might be causing the feeling of discomfort might stem from your own past experiences.

Doing this can bring your focus back to the person and the moment, instead of overthinking future scenarios.