The Art Of Saying No: How To Set Boundaries Without Guilt

Last week, as I sat in a cafe, completing a deadline, I heard someone say, “Hey are you a writer?”

The guy sitting next to me had spotted my copy of On Writing Well.

When I said yes, he asked if he could pick my brain about writing as a profession and I said, “Actually, I can’t, I have an urgent deadline.” He didn’t mind. But I did. What followed was an hour-long conversation (only 5 minutes were about writing). That night, I stayed up working late, knowing that I should’ve stood by that “no” and set boundaries.

I felt like I was designed to say “yes” to every request. I had observed and learned this behavior from women around me who accommodated everyone’s needs, and kept theirs secondary. The guilt for saying “no” was so heavy that I had sacrificed my priorities.

Allison Barton, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Allison Barton Therapy, said there is a reason why it feels difficult to say no.

“Women are taught to prioritize the needs of others and be responsible for others’ happiness,” she said. “Saying no feels like failing in their expected roles. They may fear that denying a request will lead to being viewed as uncooperative or selfish. So, it can be difficult to assert their own needs or limits.”

This was my reason to take a U-turn from my assertiveness. But there are other reasons like insecurities and trauma that erases your ability to say no as it alters personality traits like agreeableness, emotionality, and more.

“For women with lower self-esteem, saying yes is a way to validate their worth in other’s eyes, making it hard to decline requests even when they are unreasonable or burdensome,” Allison said. “Trauma can also influence a woman’s ability to set boundaries. For example, if a woman experienced abuse in childhood — perhaps from a caregiver who dismissed her feelings or punished her for saying no — she might associate saying yes with safety and love. This can lead to an ingrained fear that saying no might lead to abandonment or that her own needs are unimportant.”

Katie Hostasa, owner of KMH Leadership said the first step to drive change is to assess the impact of the current situation.

“Women may not realize they’re saying yes to everything,” she said. “Feelings of resentment, anger, or frustration are often clues to understanding its effect. Then, it’s time to get clarity — where do you consistently say yes? How is it clashing with your priorities? Where is it easier to hold a boundary and say no?”

If it helps, write it down, and read it to know where you’d like to set boundaries.

Katie said setting boundaries is a new skill that needs time to perfect. Allow yourself to practice by taking small steps, fail, and try again, even when it feels uncomfortable.

“Start with lower-stakes ‘no’s’ to build confidence, something simple like, ‘No thanks, I don’t want to upgrade my coffee order to a double shot of espresso,'” she said. “Over time, work your way up to more significant boundaries.”

Errin Anderson, an ADHD Business Coach  at Philanthropeak Coaching teaches her clients to re-frame guilt as a sign of growth — challenging old habits and prioritizing what matters most.

“To ease into the habit, use neutral, polite phrases like, ‘Thanks for asking, but I’m not available right now,’ or ‘I appreciate you thinking of me, but I need to focus on my current commitments,'” she said.

If you still find guilt lingering after saying no, try a softer approach.

“Frame the response as a collaboration rather than a rejection,” she said. “For instance, if a manager asks you to take on extra work, but you’re at capacity, instead of a flat-out no, try saying, ‘I’d love to help with [task], but looking at my current workload, I won’t be able to take it on without shifting priorities. What would you like me to deprioritize to focus on this?'”

This shows a willingness to contribute while setting clear boundaries.

If you feel uncomfortable with direct no’s, start with these subtle yet clear approaches:

• Delay the decision – “Let me check my schedule and get back to you.”
• Limit your availability – “I can help for 30 minutes, but I can’t take on the whole project.”
• Delegate or offer alternatives – “I can’t take this on, but I recommend [X person] who might be able to help.”

Research says that 86% married women and 19% single women feel selfish for indulging in their self care routine. If a simple act of self care comes with shame, the guilt of saying no to protect your time and energy would be massive.

So, you need to rewire your mindset as you practice it.

“Re-frame saying ‘no’ as an act of self-respect rather than selfishness,” she said. “Use affirmations like, ‘Setting boundaries allows me to give my best to the commitments that matter most.’ It also helps to remember that saying ‘no’ to one thing is saying ‘yes’ to something else — whether it’s your well being, your family, or your priorities.”