How To Cope With Grief During The Holiday Season

As the holiday season arrives many will be faced with the unwelcome feeling of grief. Holidays are a triggering time for people who have lost loved ones and those close to their hearts.

A 2021 survey of 2,000 people showed that 36 percent of the respondents did not want to celebrate the holidays due to feelings of grief or loss. Though the reality of losing someone will serve as a reminder during this time of expected joy and happiness, here you will find ways to cope with grief.

The truth is, that grief is unpredictable. One minute you could be out laughing with friends, and a passerby wearing your deceased mom’s favorite color could cause you to cry. Coping doesn’t mean you have to do something actively. You can feel those emotions and sit in it. You are allowed to feel sad. You are human.

“Holidays are a time when we’re supposed to be together with family enjoying something together. And when we don’t have that person that we’re together with or we have been in the past, it’s a deep reminder of the loss,” said Vicki Botnick, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist LMFT.

Bittersweet memories can be painful, especially if you’ve shared years upon years with someone. When it comes to grief, the memories will continue to roll through your mind, and depression can be something that is easily acquired.

“It’s normal and healthy to feel depressed,” Vicki said. “It’s okay to take time for yourself. It’s okay to skip events. Sometimes I tell people just cancel Christmas.”

Vicki suggests communicating with your inner circle and letting them know that you might not be joining everything or you might be leaving early. She recommends deciding which people and activities can nurture you is most important during your time of grieving.

“If your friends and family are doing a really good job of supporting you and normalizing your loss and allowing you to talk about the person who died then that is the best support network a person can have,” said Elizabeth Schandelmeier, LCSW, APHSW-C, FT.

However, Elizabeth said people often begin to hear responses like “Aren’t you over that yet?” or “You know this person died three months ago aren’t you better yet?”

If you experience this response or want to talk about things that are really personal, intimate, or you may think are less than flattering, Elizabeth recommends speaking with with someone who doesn’t know you, such as a grief counselor, therapist, pastor, or someone you feel comfortable with.

Starting a new tradition can be difficult, as it may appear that you’re forgetting or moving on from the loved one who has passed. However, new traditions are opportunities to elevate past traditions and honor/commemorate a loved one.

“Some people like to do things that create awareness in their community, like volunteering at a soup kitchen and donating clothing to the homeless. Or instead of cooking this year they may order takeout or go see a movie; it varies depending on the person, but what matters is that you’re doing something that’s fulfilling ultimately,” said Elreacy Dock, MS – Certified Grief Educator and Thanatologist.

Elreacy said it is really about advocating for yourself, being willing to be a bit different, and knowing that it is valid to have a different experience than someone else because everyone is on a different journey.

Coping is ultimately what you make it. There are no rules because you are creating a safe space for yourself. Do what makes you feel comfortable, at peace, and happy. Grief is already tough enough, don’t worry yourself by being worried about other’s perception of you.

“First of all give yourself the time and permission to be in the darkness,” Elizabeth said.

Furthermore, she says really feeling the darkness is essential because it’s real. She believes that “feelings are not facts, feelings are real” and if we don’t acknowledge them, it doesn’t make them go away, it just makes them deeper and more profound.

So, if you find yourself grieving and possibly wanting to give up, know that it is a process, and you aren’t alone. Grief & The Holidays is a great resource to get tips and support during this trying time.