What’s The ‘Snail Theory’ And Can Millennial Women Build Friendships With It?

When it comes to making new friends, it may be low on your list of priorities. Your job keeps you busy, your family needs you, and deciding what to eat for dinner every night is a part-time job! However, experts say adult women around the world are suffering from a loneliness epidemic.

Let’s face it: Friendship breakups are the worst. Some may even say they are more painful than romantic breakups. Whether you’ve known someone since childhood or they were your college roommate, the end of an important friendship can make one wary of adding new friends to their life.

Additionally, living in the digital age has weakened our attention spans and upped the need for instant gratification. Reportedly coined by writer Rich Brown, the concept of the “snail theory” is a solution for the perceived problem of people having a constant desire for instant connection. Brown defines the theory as “a metaphor for building friendships slowly, akin to how a snail moves — gradually, with purpose.”

According to Psychology Today, research shows that women have historically valued friendships, sometimes more than their romantic relationships. Beyoncé herself said, “I love my husband, but it is nothing like a conversation with a woman that understands you. I grow so much from those conversations.”

Even more so, Black women have a special sort of friendship dynamic. Sweet July offers TV shows like “Insecure,” “Girlfriends,” and “Living Single” as examples. The magazine also cites the Strong Black Woman Collective theory which states, “Black women enact communication behaviors that affirm strength in each other. By exhibiting these behaviors, Black women delineate a safe space to concurrently promote solidarity within the collective and confront oppressive forces.”

Despite the emphasis on valuing friends, millennial women report difficulty maintaining and finding genuine friendships. Verge reports that almost half of millennial women (49%) wish they had a larger friend group. 64% of Gen Z and Millennial women said they struggle to make new friends.

A Reddit user posted in a Millennial subreddit her struggle to find friends as she gets older. She wrote that she feels she “hits it off” with people, but the friendship never grows. Unfortunately, she is not alone. Several other users posted, asking how to make friends as they approach 30.

The snail theory friendship theory suggests that truly genuine friendships take time to build. Browns advises people to rid themselves of the desire to divulge deeply personal information and remain on the surface for a while. Like a snail, you should move slowly and observe more. This allows for a better appreciation of the smaller details that make friendships strong.

When utilizing this theory, consider the boundaries that are important to you. Snail theory friendships not only move at a slower pace, they honor the needs of our friends. Using a snail’s shell as a metaphor, the boundaries are what protect us. Brown writes, “It’s about knowing when to share and when to listen, understanding that everyone’s comfort zone is different.” Keeping this in mind allows friendships the strength to weather storms and grow.

Just like any relationship, friendships take work to maintain. A text here and there and random coffee meet-ups are a weak foundation for forming connections. The snail theory friendship theory allows women to determine what is important to them in friendships and whether a potential friend can meet expectations.