Why Many Women Struggle To Make And Maintain Adult Friendships 

In the last five years, Americans have reported having fewer close friends than previous generations. Survey Center on American Life finds that people talk to their friends less. Unfortunately, the pandemic didn’t improve things. After life seemed to return to normal, 17% of Americans reported having no close friends.  

Life transitions such as changing careers, entering or leaving relationships, or moving to a new city often disrupt existing social networks, leaving many women feeling isolated, Rachel Harker, clinical psychologist and founder of Tribal (dating app), told The New York Post. 

In our modern world, people are marrying later, working more remotely, and much of our lives are spent online, whether for work or play. These factors shift adult friendships and can create an illusion of connection without intimacy. Social psychologist Marisa G. Franco, author of Platonic, argues that adulthood offers far fewer built-in opportunities to repeatedly interact with new people, making friendships more difficult to form. We’re no longer in classrooms; we no longer have all these gaps in our days perfect for socializing. As we grow older, we take on more and more responsibilities, and those take time. 

Making friends also takes time. In his 2018 study, How Many Hours Does It Take to Make a Friend?, Jeffrey A. Hall, Department Chair and Professor of Communication Studies at the University of Kansas, examined how shared time predicts the development of friendships to find that:

“Casual friendships emerge around 30 hr, followed by friendships around 50 hr. Good friendships begin to emerge after 140 hr. Best friendships do not emerge until after 300 hr of time spent.”

Think about the time you spend working, grocery shopping, cleaning, completing life admin tasks, pushing yourself to work out; the list goes on and on. So if you’re feeling like it’s harder to make friends than you’d like, you’re not alone, and it’s not your fault. 

On top of time and energy, the pressure is on. Especially for women who are told they should “have it all”: the partner, the career, the kids, the perfect friend group as seen on Sex and the City and Girlfriends, for instance. Some women in their late 20s and early 30s have translated that feeling into a simple term: “Girlhood FOMO“. 

The simple creation and widespread use of the term on social media shows how prevalent the sentiment is. Women feel like they are missing out on what they grew up hoping for: the groups of girl besties to meet up with after work, discuss their romantic mishaps, celebrate promotions, and hold each other when life gets a little too real. Let’s discuss what you can do to be proactive in terms of making and keeping connections. 

Social media can make a healthy social life look like a large group chat, a packed birthday dinner, or a standing invitation to every girls’ trip. In reality, the number of friends you need is deeply personal. It should be tailored to you as a person. 

“Being socially healthy is about having the right quantity and quality of connection for you,” said Kasley Killam, Harvard-trained social scientist and author of The Art and Science of Connection. Instead of counting invitations or comparing your circle to someone else’s, consider which relationships leave you feeling supported, valued, and able to be yourself.

All first moves are scary—not just in dating—but no relationship can develop without initiative. Give yourself a pep talk and try sending that first text to schedule a hang with a prospective friend or checking in with someone you haven’t spoken to in months. In a series of experiments involving nearly 6,000 participants published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers found that people consistently underestimated how much others appreciated hearing from them. Lead author Peggy Liu, Ph.D., Ben L. Fryrear Professor of Marketing at the University of Pittsburgh, said, “People are fundamentally social beings and enjoy connecting with others.” The next time you hesitate to reach out because too much time has passed, remember that your message may be more welcome than you expect.

To remedy the unsettling feeling of “Girlhood FOMO,” it can help to shift away from the pressure to have it all—including the perfect friend group—and toward what actually feels right in terms of belonging. For some, that means cultivating one best friendship. For others, it may mean traveling to visit longtime friends, growing closer to family members, or finding connection through work, hobbies, neighbors, and community.

There is no one-size-fits-all formula for friendship. “When choosing friends, we are freer to prioritize the truest markers of intimacy, such as shared values, trust, admiration of each other’s character, or feelings of ease around each other,” wrote psychologist Dr. Marisa G. Franco in Platonic. “Our identity needs to constantly expand for us to be fulfilled, and relationships are our primary means for expansion.” 

While it may take a collection of little moments, communities, and relationships to make your social pie feel whole, remember it is possible.